What do you wish your parents had done with their estate plan to ease the burden after their passing? Responses rarely focus on plan details. The next generation often says, “I wish my parents had told me:”
- “That they had a plan,”
- “Why they did what they did, and”
- “What they expect me to do.”
Natural Barriers
Finances are deeply personal. Cultural norms and common sense discourage oversharing, as knowledge of our wealth can be weaponized. Protecting ourselves from predators signals legal capacity, but deciding who to trust and when is challenging.
Inevitable Disclosures
As we age, we need help managing affairs, increasing vulnerability. After death, without proper planning, assets face plunder. Disclosure becomes unavoidable, making timing and content critical.
Timing Is Everything
When and what should we tell our children or heirs about our estate? The answer depends on whether the next generation is a reliable help or a threat, especially if heirs aren’t children.
Elder Abuse
Withhold information from family members with medical issues, substance abuse, legal troubles, anger, abusiveness, violence, or incapacity, as they pose risks. Never name untrustworthy individuals in decision-making roles. If you or a loved one face elder abuse, report it to Adult Protective Services immediately.
Silence Doesn’t Work
Fearing that disclosing wealth will spoil children, foster entitlement, or invite interference assumes silence prevents harm. This is like believing avoiding sex education stops teenagers from risky behavior. Not discussing finances is more damaging than sharing estate plan details appropriately.
What They Need to Know
Money, like other aspects of life, can be wonderful or disastrous depending on timing, context, and people involved. The next generation needs guidance to navigate it wisely.
Tell the Ones You Name
Estate planning documents designate decision-makers: financial (Durable General Powers of Attorney, Successor Trustees), medical (Health Care Powers of Attorney, Living Wills), and estate (Personal Representatives, Trustees). Inform those named, show them where documents are kept, and share copies or PDFs, especially for medical emergencies, so they can act swiftly.
Children’s Caveat
Don’t disclose who you’ve named for minor children’s custody. Young parents’ preferences evolve as children grow. Retain flexibility to update choices without hurting feelings. Named guardians will learn post-death and can decline, with alternates stepping in. If children age out, no disclosure is needed.
Helping Hands
Children can assist aging parents with estate planning, but safeguards are crucial. A child speaking for a parent may signal diminished capacity or control issues. The most eager child is often the least suitable leader. When children bring parents to attorneys:
- Attorneys should speak privately with the parent.
- Assess capacity, duress, coercion, or mistreatment.
- Hear the parent’s wishes directly, without influence.
- Verify prior planning or attorneys to avoid conflicting documents, a red flag for abuse.
- Normal plans (equal distribution) are reassuring; unusual ones (favoring one child) suggest trouble.
Involving the Next Generation
With safeguards, attorneys can engage the next generation, addressing: “Your parents have a plan. This is why they did it. This is your role.” These discussions, bridging generations on wealth and values, are profoundly rewarding.
Why It Matters
Families are fragile yet resilient. An estate plan can destroy or strengthen them. Open communication while all are alive is invaluable—once death intervenes, the chance is lost. Have “the talk,” possibly with your attorney’s guidance.
Having "The Talk" With Your Children © 2025 by Rick Durfee is licensed under CC BY 4.0 
Having "The Talk" With Your Children